Life is so much better after having sex.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
