i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
