I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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