The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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