I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
