i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
