Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
