New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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