The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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