There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
That was an excessively violent trivia night
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
