If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
