Sorry, I don't speak sober.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
