I can tuck mytits in my pants
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
This is my gift to your gina
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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