Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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