I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
