Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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