No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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