Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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