I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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