please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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