I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize