1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
