and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
