when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
