she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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