I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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