also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
