Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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