The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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