I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
