i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
