I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
We need to get me chipped asap
Randomize
