walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
