Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
