I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
