I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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