I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
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