Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
