wanna go halves on a baby?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
