You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
