I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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