Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
