I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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