my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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