you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
