I was born with a shot glass in my hand
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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