I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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