Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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