Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
