did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
