I got chris browned last night
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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