at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize