I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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